I have no time to breathe.

That’s a whole world being revealed in one small sentence.

Let’s first be very clear, this is very real for a lot of professionals out there. Be it the load of work at home, workplace or both, it is a very real situation.

But in my work as a coach, I have noticed that the statement houses an underlying belief that somehow the individual concerned “must” do all the things on their own.

It pre-supposes that the individual does not see any room for being assisted or helped in any way, and hence has taken up the responsibility all by themselves. Working mothers will easily recognize this. So will working dads who somehow find their children asleep when they leave for work or arrive late. This statement must be noticed as a “red flag” of impending burnout.

“I have no time to breathe.” This can mean several things at once – a cry for help, a strong need to take a break, a sign of sharing some of the load that one carries.

No matter which way one looks at this, the first thing is to hit “pause”. I have seen many clients resist this, as they worry their world will collapse or come to an end, if they do that. This also indicates the lack of psychological contracts with others around us, be it workmates or family members. When one individual assumes an uneven load, and others around them don’t notice, that indicates how long the patterns of accommodating and compensating behaviour have continued. After all, relationships are a function of a continuing series of transactions, set in motion in response to one another.

Hitting a “pause” allows for a break in the pattern, and an opportunity for others to notice what happens when a routine is abruptly disrupted because one individual is holding the fort, so to speak, and creates space for a conversation, a re-negotiation around the need to redistribute the uneven load that one individual bears. This is easier said than done. The patterns of accommodating and compensating behaviour by one individual can become a pattern of convenience, comfort and support to others around us. Naturally, there will be resistance, but its important to talk to people around you about how you feel burdened, almost suffocated, and more importantly how it impacts your mental and physical health.

“I didn’t know you were so loaded with work. I thought you were enjoying it.” Such perceptions may exist when someone looks at you, hence hitting “pause” is a good way to allow others to revisit these perceptions and be open and willing to engage in a dialogue with you, and find ways to ease out your load through extension of support or resources.

One client I was working with realised a huge difference when I assisted her in reframing “I must do everything” to “There are things that need to get done”. The first sounds like there are no other options but for her to fulfil certain responsibilities. The second statement allowed her to create a distance between herself and the responsibilities. When those things became “something that needed to get done”, it didn’t require that she must be the one to do it. It could be her. It could be a colleague. It could be a family member for things at home. Or it could be any other form of help, even if it meant hiring extra hands and paying for it.

Once we take ourselves out of the equation, then some room to breathe gets created. Often, just getting to this space is a cathartic experience for many clients, especially if they have been carrying an uneven load for several years. A strong desire to do better in the career, a fierce resistance to being seen as less capable, a staunch opposition to being seen as not doing more – all of these, or their variations, can be a reason why clients carry on doing things without asking a question “why am I doing this, really?” Often, there is no reasonable answer. In the speed of living our lives, and going from one thing to another, we don’t really build in time to reflect or observe how our life and time is passing by.

“What is important?” – if we only ask ourselves that question on a regular basis, then it will prevent the accumulation of unwanted responsibilities that eventually take up valuable mind space, not to mention our peace of mind. It is healthy to ask ourselves this question and be willing to drop things which may have seemed mighty important a few years ago, or even a few months ago. A sense of guilt or shame can prevent us from dropping things that are no longer important. At such times, it is necessary to shift focus from “needs of others” to “our own needs”.

This doesn’t mean we go on to “do” something else. The space that gets created by dropping unwanted things from our lives, can seem tempting to fill up with something else. But before rushing to add something, one must always consider the value of “not adding anything back” and leaving some empty space and time in our lives. While Seinfeld and friends recognized the comedic value of a show about nothing, the value of “nothing” is understated, and immensely potent. This is where creativity strikes, or batteries our recharged, or the mojo comes back.

“Nothing” also presents the opportunity to let the next important thing to arise organically, unlike a rush to fill empty spaces with anything that comes next. And this brings us to the final aspect of trusting our instincts above anything else. Loading, overcommitting, taking on more than we can – all of these occur when we ignore our instincts and go down a blind alley that’s lined up with temporary and shiny things to attain!

“We are spirits, in the material world”, goes the song by The Police. We are not immune to being driven by achievement, success, recognition or any other pursuit that we consider worthy to go after.

But – can that be at the cost of our own wellbeing?

It’s an important question to stay with, instead of rushing to an answer. Being a high performer, be it in the professional domain, or in personal pursuits, is a question of how well we manage the “space between the ears”, wise old heads in the past have said!

To sum it up, when you hear yourself saying “I have no time to breathe”, it’s time to:

1. Hit “pause”.
2. Reframe and take yourself out of the equation.
3. Why am I doing this, really?
4. Reflect on what’s important…for you.
5. Before adding anything back, consider the option of doing “nothing”.
6. Restoring trust in our instincts!

Tailpiece: Breathing is the most natural thing in the world. It is a starting point to everything, our existence. Let’s make that the first priority and reclaim that bit of space back from our hectic lives!