NLP Essentials: Managing Your Own State

“They held their nerve” – that’s often what is said of champion teams and champion sportspersons, when they emerge from tough situations in games that have high stakes. I witnessed one such game on Saturday when the Indian men’s cricket team won the ICC T-20 World Cup in a game that went down to the wire.

The beauty of live sport is that it is unscripted. That’s what brings the thrills to us as an audience or lover of sports. Same rules and two opponents go at each other putting their bodies on the line, and minds bearing tremendous pressure that comes with any situation involving winning and losing.

One of England’s renowned batsman Geoffrey Boycott once said while commenting on a game that had just gone to the last moment, “It might look like the game is played in the 22 yards between the wickets, but actually it’s a game played in the space between two ears!”

Not just sports, but any performance-oriented endeavour at an elite level involves managing the space between the ears, managing our own state, so to speak.

What is state after all? Is it mindset? Is it what we feel in a moment? Or is it something we are thinking? Well, state really is a sum total of all of these and much more. Have you noticed how it feels when you are in the midst of a boring lecture or presentation – you tend to slump into the chair. And yet, watch a thriller movie and you are at the edge of your seat.

Have you also noticed how we breathe when we are watching a sunset or a flower? In the moments we are engrossed, our breathing slows down. And it picks up even at the thought of being in a situation we are afraid of.

“The state we are in” is an accumulation of all of these – our physiology, our thoughts, our feelings, what we speak or think, and breathe – whether we move or are still.

“The problem is never the problem. It is the state that we approach the problem from that’s the problem.” That’s what John Grinder, one of the co-creators of Neuro Linguistic Programming is quoted as describing what the essence of a state is.

State and perception almost go hand in hand. If I am not a skilled batter, a bowler coming at me at 150kmph will seem like a threat, even with a bat in hand and protective gear on. I will “perceive” the fast ball coming at me as a danger, and my actions will reflect that. I will probably try to duck or evade to avoid getting hit. But a skilled batter, I might perceive the fast delivery as an opportunity to score, ergo, I might try to move towards the fast, incoming ball and try to hit it far!

In both instances, the way I perceive the ball puts me in a state that I respond accordingly. The converse is also true. I might be in a particular state and that might make me perceive the ball as a threat or opportunity!

How we perform in any sphere of life, is purely based on how we perceive circumstances or the state with which we carry ourselves into situations.

Students are in a state of worry or fear before exams because they perceive exams to be an occasion of potential embarrassment. Candidates going to an interview are in a nervous state and it affects their ability to stay relaxed and answer questions confidently.

In my work as a coach and workshop facilitator, my clients and participants often bring situations where they are unable to perform as they desire. Someone wants to be more confident; another wants to remain calm while another wants to be excited and curious as they embark on a new opportunity. And yet, when they say they can’t do that or would wish for that, they aren’t indicating any lack. It is just that these states are inaccessible to them in certain contexts in life. I wouldn’t go so far as saying they are “unable be that way”, even though that’s what people say – “I can’t be confident”, “I would like to remain relaxed” or “I don’t know how to beat stress”.

Let me share an instance of what happened a few days back when I was talking to someone who had just got a major health scare in their life. Let’s call this person Julie. When I picked up the phone, Julie’s voice was feeble, it didn’t have the usual confident brashness to it. So I already knew something was amiss. Over the next 20mins, I got to know the details of how a small pain that Julie had experienced had led to the discovery of something scary. The doctors said she was lucky to have consulted them when she did, as any delay would have made the situation out of control. With regular medication, exercise and sleep, the doctors felt that Julie would make a steady recovery. The one thing they asked she must eliminate from her life was stress. And now, she had called me because she was stressed about how to do this.

Working through, I was able to get Julie to shift her state. Her focus was what she had been diagnosed with, and as long as that remained front and center, she would continue to remain stressed. Rather, we worked through so we could focus on how she would be ready to do other things when she had recovered. In that, she could focus on what she could do about her life other than the illness, rather than obsessing about it round the clock.

I have a friend whose sister went through a terminal illness and recovered fully. She loved planning trips with family. So, while in treatment, they kept her engaged with planning the next family trip after she had recovered. And she did recover, and she did go on the family trip she planned.

I guess the important thing is – what state of mind do we bring to the table when the chips are down. Not just to look brave, but to have the composure to do the right things to get ourselves out of the proverbial hole.

Naturally, we are in a state based on our conditioning, how we are wired from the time we grew up. Past influences act as triggers of the state we get into, whether we go on a vacation, or get nervous before a deadline submission. Neuro Linguistic Programming allows us the ability to identify desired states that will assist us in performing well in different situations.

Individuals can access parts of their lives where they are able to be in the desired state (such as relaxed, happy, calm, excited or focused) and transfer that into situations where they are not able to be that way. Through use of state shift tools, an individual can imbibe being in a resourceful state that gets them to perform to the best of their abilities. In sports, this is often referred to as “being in the zone“, and in recent years, we also know this as “being in the flow“. Musicians, sportspersons, children – all of us experience this from time to time.

The underlying unconscious process at the heart of accessing desired states is called association. We tend to associate with states without knowing, without our choice, but Neuro Linguistic Programming allows individuals to be grounded in states of their choice and perform better.

Just like the game of cricket, all other games we play in life, need us to manage the space between our ears. Those who are able to manage their state, become good leaders, elite sports persons, responsible parents and great teachers. I think managing our own state allows us to be extraordinary in everyday life.

The possibility of achieving high performance states, as these are also known as, need not be limited to scaling the peaks of Everest or completing an Ironman challenge – they can be utilised in making our daily lives better – at work, while commuting in traffic, while making important decisions, while in the company of loved ones, while giving a presentation or a theatre performance, or most importantly – when we are with ourselves, alone. That’s the answer to worry, anxiety, stress, burnout and many such conditions that affect our mental health.

Managing our state is as vital as the physical fitness routines that many of us tend to consciously follow. Learning Neuro Linguistic Programming enables practice of mental fitness routines! This isn’t taught when we are growing up – to learn how to choose a state that enables performance, quite the opposite happens.

Why not turn that tide around, now? If you care enough to be a good teacher, a good leader, a great manager, a fantastic parent- anything that is important enough for you, then first, start with managing your own state!